


What Are You Doing New Years Eve?

by ellebeedarling



Series: Christmas 2017 [5]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Fluff, M/M, first kiss under the mistletoe, holiday trope fic, pretend to be my boyfriend, there's only one bed in the room
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2019-02-16 15:24:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13056753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellebeedarling/pseuds/ellebeedarling
Summary: Kaidan lies to his family about having a boyfriend for Christmas to avoid his mother's never-ending attempts to fix him up with someone. Shepard comes to the rescue, pretending to be Kaidan's boyfriend so that he doesn't have to spend Christmas alone.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thanks to [humblydefiant](https://humblydefiant.tumblr.com) for betaing this for me! You are awesome!! 
> 
> I saw a post on Tumblr awhile back about it being trope writing season, and decided I wanted to write a cheesy, fluffy mshenko piece that was just pure fun for Christmas. Humbles assures me that this is the fluffiest fluff. :) 
> 
> I'll post one chapter a day for the next week.
> 
> Title is from the song What Are You Doing New Year's Eve? written by Frank Loesser, performed by [Harry Connick Jr.](https://youtu.be/BNiC4xKtzfU)

“Shit!” Kaidan blew out a long breath after disconnecting the call. He didn’t know what the hell he was supposed to do now. Groaning, he ran his hands over his face and seriously considered calling his mother back, but the excitement on her face when he’d said he had a boyfriend had been too much. How could he break her heart now? 

 

“Something wrong, LT?” 

 

He looked up to find Shepard watching him with an expression of concern. “Uh… just about everything at the moment, Commander,” he sighed. 

 

“Come into my office.” 

 

“Oh, it’s-”

 

“That’s an order, Lieutenant,” Shepard interrupted, waving off his excuses, and Kaidan felt not only idiotic, but a little like a kid being called to the principal’s office in school.

 

“Have a seat.” Shepard gestured to a chair under a table in the center of the room. Kaidan had been in here before to discuss business - duty rosters, crew complaints, upcoming missions, etc. Somehow being here this time was a misery, despite the odd comfort of the straight-backed chair he was in. Kaidan knew what Shepard was going to ask and had no clue how to evade the question. The feeling that he was awaiting interrogation made the space seem confining, stifling. He huffed out another breath as Shepard set a tumbler in front of him and splashed a swallow or two of whiskey into it. “You look like you could use it,” he said, corking the bottle and setting it aside without taking any for himself. 

 

“It’s impolite to drink alone, Commander,” he said, hoping Shepard would take the hint and pour himself a glass. 

 

“You’re not alone,” Shepard reminded him instead, then jumped straight to the point as he was wont to do. “So… what’s going on?” 

 

“It’s… a rather personal… problem,” Kaidan said slowly, not sure if he should actually tell Shepard what was going on or not. He drained his glass and set it carefully back onto the table, but kept his fingers curled tightly around it. “I really don’t want to bother you with it.” 

 

“It’s no bother, Kaidan. If you really don’t want to tell me, then I won’t push, but if you need an ear, I’m here.” 

 

Kaidan sighed. Shepard was always doing that. He’d seen it over and over, not just with the crew, but with random civilians on the street, too. He had a way of making people feel at ease, of wanting to spill their guts. It never failed to intrigue Kaidan when he saw it at work on someone else. Knowing the technique worked just as easily on him was mildly concerning. Still, he was in a jam, and Shepard was offering to at least listen to his problem. 

 

After Kaidan’s quick glance at the whiskey bottle, Shepard grinned and poured him another, finally caving and pouring himself about half a shot as well. That made Kaidan relax, just a tad, and he opened his mouth several times in aborted attempts to get the words past his lips. 

 

“You look like a fish, Alenko,” Shepard said wryly, taking the smallest sip of whiskey Kaidan had ever seen. 

 

“You gonna drink that?” 

 

The Commander grinned and tilted his head back, finishing the small swallow in one gulp, then met Kaidan’s gaze again, his blue eyes shining with amusement. “Satisfied?” 

 

“Mmm,” Kaidan grunted, then began fiddling with the glass in his hands. 

 

Shepard cleared his throat, and Kaidan glanced up, startled for a moment by the intensity of the man’s stare. The look dissipated quickly, however, and Kaidan blinked, not knowing whether it had just been his imagination or not. He peered into his glass a moment. He hadn’t had _ that _ much to drink. 

 

Shaking his head, he sighed again, obnoxiously loud in the ever shrinking room. Was it just his imagination, or was it really hot in here? Knowing he couldn’t put it off much longer, he drew himself up straight, squared his shoulders, and met the Commander’s sapphire stare head on. “I lied to my mom about having a boyfriend to avoid her trying to set me up at Christmas, and now she wants me to bring ‘him’ home to meet her,” he blurted in one big breath. His cheeks flamed with mortification. He could have just made up some bullshit to tell Shepard, but it was out there now, the ridiculous truth for the Commander to laugh at. 

 

Instead of laughing, Shepard’s brow furrowed thoughtfully. He nodded a few times, processing Kaidan’s predicament and attempting to work out a solution for him. “Well… shit,” he said at last.

 

“Exactly,” Kaidan breathed, unsure if he was regretful or relieved at having spilled the beans to Shepard. He considered the Commander a friend, knew that Shepard felt the same way, but their relationship was strictly professional out of necessity. “I felt like a complete ass as soon as I’d said it,” he admitted. “And you should have seen the excitement on her face.” He buried his face in his hands. “It’s gonna break her heart when I call her tomorrow and tell her it’s not true.” 

 

“So, tell her you broke up,” Shepard suggested with a shrug. “That happens.” 

 

“No dice. Then she’ll insist on setting me up with her childhood friend’s daughter or son or whoever the hell it is, and I just can’t. For the last three years, she’s miraculously produced  _ someone _ \- some distant friend of the family - at Christmastime and tried to set us up. It’s been a dismal failure every time, but it hasn’t stopped her from trying.” 

 

Shepard did chuckle at that. “Not going home’s not an option I suppose…” 

 

Kaidan scoffed and raised a skeptical eyebrow. 

 

“Got it,” Shepard mumbled, rubbing his chin. “So… the only options you have are to tell her the truth and break her heart, or find someone willing to pretend to be your boyfriend for the holidays, correct?” 

 

“Pretend? Oh, hell no. She’d see right through that.” 

 

“I don’t know. I can be a pretty convincing actor,” Shepard grinned with a twinkle in his eye. 

 

“Beg pardon?” Kaidan said, sure he’d misheard.

 

“I’ll do it,” the Commander offered with a shrug. “I’d just stay in the officer’s temp housing on Arcturus otherwise, and I haven’t had a real Christmas dinner since I was fifteen, so… If you want me to, I’ll be your ‘boyfriend’ for Christmas.” 

 

Kaidan blinked a few times at the man, astonished and also heartbroken at the Commander’s confession. The man planned to spend Christmas alone? Then,  _Oh fuck_... _  yeah _ , his parents and siblings were dead.  He cringed, which Shepard mistook for revulsion. 

 

“It was just a thought,” he said, rising from his chair and putting the whiskey bottle back where he’d found it. “Just forget I-”

 

“Yes!” Kaidan jumped to his feet and shouted. “I, uh… I mean… If you’d do that for me, I’d be forever grateful.” 

 

Shepard’s eyes narrowed in suspicion. “You didn’t look too enthralled with the idea just a minute ago.” 

 

The color rose on his cheeks again. “I’m sorry, Shepard, I just, uh… I’d just forgotten that you had no one to spend the holidays with. I should have thought to invite you anyway. That look was of disgust with myself, not, uh… not with your… offer.” He cleared his throat and tried not to fidget. 

 

Shepard’s cheeks flushed pink too, but he was smiling again. Small victories. He pulled the whiskey bottle back out and waved at the chair Kaidan had been sitting in. “Well,” he said, ‘if we’re going to do this properly, I’m going to need to be familiar with your family, including a few embarrassing stories about you.” 

 

Kaidan groaned as his Commander laughed. Well, it was going to be interesting if nothing else.

 

**

 

He couldn’t ever recall being this nervous in his life. While Kaidan fought his jitters, Shepard greeted Peter and Sofia Alenko like any boyfriend meeting the folks for the first time would. He was courteous and polite, shaking Peter’s hand with a firm grip, kissing Sofia lightly on the cheek. Shepard thanked them for inviting him to their home, gave the appropriate comments on the space and decor, graciously allowed Peter to take his coat and bag and accepted a cup of tea from Sofia. He was completely stealing the show, winning Kaidan’s parents over one smile at a time. 

 

They sat on the couch, and when Kaidan tried to keep a respectable distance between them, John slid closer, draping his arm around Kaidan’s shoulder. The older man stiffened slightly at the contact. He and Shepard had touched each other thousands of times over the last few months, but always in some sort of battle buddy context - passing grenades, applying medigel, half carrying one another back to the ship. None of their interactions had ever felt so intimate before, and he was sure the shock of it was showing on his face. 

 

“Kaidan, aren’t you feeling well?” Sofia asked him

 

“Not getting a migraine, are you?” Shepard asked quietly, strong fingers rubbing his neck briefly before relenting. The concern in his voice sounded so genuine, and Kaidan would have been impressed by the Commander’s acting skills if he hadn’t been so damned uncomfortable with this whole situation. 

 

This had been a horrible mistake. He should have just told his mom the truth and invited Shepard to Christmas dinner as a polite gesture - as friends - and not gone through with this whole charade. He was a notoriously bad actor, having always gotten the silent parts in the school plays as a kid. His parents were sure to see right through them if they kept going. He opened his mouth to speak, to confess the whole thing and get it over with, but Shepard cut him off.

 

“Kaidan, why don’t you show me where we’ll be staying tonight? I wouldn’t mind resting a bit before dinner.” 

 

Sofia Alenko went into a flurry of apologies over being so rude, cursing herself for not thinking of how tired the pair of them would be. Peter grabbed both their bags and insisted on carrying them upstairs despite Shepard’s protests. When they were alone in Kaidan’s childhood room, Shepard stopped playing the part of doting boyfriend and went back to being the Commander. 

 

“You okay?” 

 

“This was a mistake,” Kaidan said, sinking onto the bed and cradling his head in his hands. 

 

“I can go. Pretend I got called into HQ or sneak out quietly in the night, whichever you think would go over better,” he offered, leaning a hip casually against the desk along the wall. 

 

Kaidan looked up in time to see him crossing his arms over his chest. Shepard’s stare was unrelenting, leaving Kaidan no wiggle room to sort his thoughts out. His parents had decided not to spend Christmas at the orchard this year, and the Vancouver apartment felt suffocating. 

 

“I need some air,” Kaidan said at last, and Shepard grabbed his arm and hauled him up off the bed. Taking his hand, the Commander led him downstairs, made a big deal about how Kaidan had promised him coffee from his favorite cafe down the street and practically dragged him out the door, managing to snag both their coats in the process. 

 

Kaidan felt terrible - for lying to his parents, for dragging Shepard into this. Instead of a cafe, Shepard steered them into the nearest bar and ordered two Irish coffees, propping Kaidan up on a stool, then crossing his arms over his chest again. 

 

“It’s just three days, Alenko,” Shepard said. “When this is over, you can tell your folks I dumped you because of regs or some such, and they’ll never be the wiser.” 

 

“Make you out to be the asshole?” Kaidan scoffed. “Not likely. You’re like a damn knight in shining armor.” 

 

Shepard rolled his eyes but laughed lightly, reaching for his cup of coffee.

 

“Why’d you really agree to do this?” 

 

“Christmas ham?” Shepard shrugged.

 

“You’re a ham alright,” Kaidan muttered, and both men chuckled. “You’re actually… a rather convincing boyfriend,” he said softly, glancing up at Shepard just in time to see his eyes widen. Shepard cleared his throat and looked away before taking a sip of his drink. 

 

“Just tell me what you want me to do,” he said, all business once more.

 

A surprising flash of hurt stabbed at Kaidan’s heart, and he turned his attention back to his own drink. “Maybe it would be better if you left.” 

 

“Sure thing. Whatever you want. I’ll uh… just tell them I got called in on orders when we get back. That way I can grab my bag.” 

 

“Shit… yeah, I forgot about your bag.” Kaidan insisted on paying for the coffees as a way to repay the Commander. He felt all kinds of foolish right now, but he knew it was the right thing to do. He’d always tried to be honest with his folks and there was no reason to change that now, except for the hard expression on Shepard’s face as he closed himself off to Kaidan. 

 

Though the little game of ‘pretend to be my boyfriend’ had only, in fact, lasted for a couple of hours, Kaidan already missed the way the man had doted on him. Shepard had been surprisingly affectionate in the short time they’d been ‘dating,’ and suddenly the thought of spending the next three days without him there, fielding his parents questions about the man, left Kaidan wishing he hadn’t acted so hastily. 

 

To take it all back now would make him seem wishy washy in front of his commanding officer, and that just couldn’t be. They walked in silence back toward his parents’ flat. Shepard’s head was down, fists stuffed into the pockets of his jeans. Kaidan was struck with just how damned good the man looked in civvies. The pants were tight enough to show off his form without looking uncomfortable, and his navy sweater hugged his body just right, making him look soft and touchable - something his Alliance uniform could never do. Another thought had him stopping dead in his tracks.

 

Shepard made it a few steps ahead before he realised he’d lost his companion, and he too stopped, turning to regard Kaidan with a quizzical brow. “Kaidan?” 

 

“If you leave, where will you go?” 

 

The Commander shrugged, glanced past Kaidan, then met his eyes. “A hotel, I guess. There’s got to be some decent ones around, right?” 

 

Kaidan thought he looked disappointed, but Shepard would never say so. Now he felt like even more of an ass. He’d promised Shepard Christmas dinner in exchange for keeping up this stupid pretense, and now, for all intents and purposes, he was kicking the man out on his ass. Two days before Christmas, no less. 

 

“I’ll be fine,” Shepard told him, sensing where his thoughts had gone. 

 

“No,” Kaidan said, vehemently. “I was the one who fucked up. You shouldn’t have to pay for that. I promised you Christmas with my family, and that’s what you’re going to get.” 

 

A puff of white accompanied Shepard’s laugh in the frigid air. “It’s fine, Alenko. I’m used to spending Christmas alone. It’s really no big deal.” 

 

“It is to me,” Kaidan replied. “Now… if you don’t mind. I’d like it if my ‘boyfriend’ took me home so we can have a proper meal and get out of this damned freezing night air.” 

 

“I don’t want you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, Kaidan. I’ll be fine. Promise. It was a stupid idea. I shouldn’t have suggested it in the first place.” 

 

“It was stupid on both our parts,” Kaidan agreed, “but we’re here now. Might as well make the most of it, so…” He held his hand out and waited for Shepard to take it. John eyed it for a moment before looking back down the street again. Kaidan held his breath while the Commander debated, but his heart skipped several beats when Shepard met his eyes with a grin and reached out to take his hand.

 

“Alright,  _ babe _ . Let’s go home.” 

 

Kaidan groaned. “Oh, don’t call me ‘babe.’”

 

“Alright, K… Can I call you ‘K?’”

 

“I’d rather you didn’t.” 

 

Shepard threw back his head with a laugh, and they continued hand-in-hand down the street. When they reached the entrance to the apartment building, Kaidan stopped again. “Thanks for doing this.” 

 

It was difficult to tell in the streetlights, but Kaidan swore he saw a faint blush on Shepard’s cheeks. “Thanks for letting me stay.” 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fluff and holiday tropes continue. Oh, no! There's only one bed in Kaidan's room. Whatever shall they do? lol

Dinner went off without a hitch. John told the Alenkos about his upbringing on Mindoir, about his Alliance career. If they thought it was odd that Kaidan had gotten involved with his commanding officer, neither of them broached the subject. He suspected that they were waiting till Shepard was out of earshot to bring it up. It wouldn’t surprise him if they sent the man on a milk run or something in the morning just to have the opportunity. Another thought filled him with terror. What if they sent Kaidan out so that they could corner John about it?

 

Still worrying over that little puzzle piece, Kaidan forgot to be worried about the next big hurdle. There was only one bed in his room, and there was no way either of them could sneak out to the guest room without being discovered. Like it or not, they were stuck sleeping in the same room. 

 

“I’ll take the floor,” Shepard said as soon as the bedroom door had closed behind them. Sofia had filled them full of shepherd’s pie, laughing at her own cleverness - thankfully Shepard had found it funny as well, either that or he was a phenomenal actor who’d missed his calling - and rum raisin bread pudding. Between the filling meal and the Irish coffee he’d had before dinner, Kaidan was exhausted. Shepard looked it, too.

 

“Nonsense,” Kaidan said. “You’re my guest. You take the bed.” 

 

The Commander rolled his eyes. “We could stand here arguing about it all night, or you could just do what I said,” he told him in that way of his that meant he expected his orders to be obeyed. His gaze was weighty and pointed, but Kaidan wasn’t about to give in. 

 

“Uh… that’s not going to work on me here,  _ snookums _ ,” he said, grinning at Shepard’s astonished expression. His look went from surprised to predatory in a moment. 

 

“It’s like that, is it? How ‘bout we spar for it?” 

 

“You’re insane,” Kaidan scoffed. “Besides, we won’t be able to hide the noise from-” He cut himself off abruptly at the smugness of Shepard’s grin. He groaned again, rubbing his eyes with fingers and thumb, cheeks burning as he realized the implications of what he’d been saying. “Fine. You take the floor tonight; I’ll take it tomorrow. Deal?” 

 

“Fine,” Shepard said with a look that could be misconstrued as a pout. 

 

Kaidan went to the closet for the extra pillow and sleeping bag that he typically kept there, but it was gone. Leave it to his mother to clean out his closet while he was away. The only extra blankets that he knew of were in his parents’ room, and there was no way in hell he could sneak in there to get them without being busted. 

 

Sighing and running a hand through his hair in agitation, he turned to Shepard who was finally showing a bit of unease at their predicament. Squaring his shoulders, the Commander looked at him and nodded once. “We’ll share the bed,” he declared. “It’s not that big a deal.” 

 

“I…” Kaidan tried to find a reason to argue, but every objection fell flat. Either they shared the bed or Shepard was sleeping on the cold, hard floor. No way was he going to let that happen. 

 

Shepard took some clothes out of his bag and grabbed the hem of his t-shirt to pull it over his head, freezing suddenly when he caught Kaidan watching him. Kaidan mentally kicked himself then turned away to change into his own pajamas. When he turned back around, Shepard wore gray sweats with a plain white t-shirt, and despite the fact that he’d seen the man naked in the showers on a near daily basis for the last six months, there was something about seeing him like this that almost took Kaidan’s breath away. Without his armor and professional facade, Shepard looked more relaxed, younger. All those hard edges that made him seem unapproachable were softened by the loose fabric of his clothes. 

 

For a brief second, Kaidan wondered what it would feel like to be pressed up against the man, to feel the supple material and the firm muscle underneath. His eyes traveled the length of Shepard’s body, and he didn’t miss Shepard’s quick appraisal of him either.  

 

Shepard turned the covers down and drew a deep breath, giving Kaidan a curt smile before climbing in. Kaidan did the same, and they lay with their backs to one another. He turned off the bedside lamp and only the faintest light from the street shone in through the curtains. He heard Shepard yawn and smiled because he knew John wouldn’t see it in the dark anyway.. 

 

“We really did not think this plan through, did we?” Kaidan said into the darkness.

 

The bed shook as Shepard laughed quietly. “Not at all. I’m… sorry, Kaidan. I don’t know why I suggested it. Not one of my finer moments, I guess.” 

 

“I’m not sorry,” Kaidan said softly. “I had a really good time tonight.” 

 

“Me, too,” Shepard whispered. 

 

“Goodnight, Shepard.” 

 

“Night, Kaidan.” 

 

**

 

Kaidan peeled his eyes open, blinking against the sun streaming in through the windows. When the world came back into focus, he saw that Shepard was still asleep beside him. The Commander was lying on his stomach, hands tucked under his pillow. A quiet snore emanated from his open mouth, and Kaidan couldn’t help drinking in the sight of the man like this. 

 

Anyone with eyes could see that John Shepard was attractive, but Kaidan really hadn’t given it much consideration before now. He’d grown to like the man, to enjoy his company, but he’d tried to never let his thoughts stray too far where the Commander was concerned. Emotional attachment was a recipe for disaster, and Kaidan was a firm believer that the regs were there for a reason. If there had been enough of an issue for them to make a rule about it, that was probably something better off heeded. 

 

Still, there was no harm in looking, and given their close proximity at the moment, Kaidan had a pretty damn fine view. Shepard was handsome. Strike that - he was gorgeous. Lines and angles melded into one of the most beautiful faces he’d ever seen. Like this, without the stern “Commander” stare and the worried creases in his brow, it was somehow more breathtaking. Kaidan curled his hands into fists to stop them reaching out to touch the man, to run his fingertips lightly over the striking contours of his face.

 

He should get up, leave Shepard to sleep in. His parents wouldn’t mind, and Kaidan’s mind was quickly taking him on a fantastic voyage that he had no business being on. Rolling his eyes at himself, he started to turn over, but was frozen in his tracks as John’s sapphire eyes sprang open. Shepard looked startled for a moment, like he’d forgotten where they were and what they were playing at, but the serenity of moments before settled back in, and John grinned at him, slow and lazy. 

 

“Hey,” he said before burying a yawn in the pillow.

 

“Hey,” Kaidan chuckled watching as his Commander rolled over and stretched stiff muscles. His t-shirt rode up at the same instant that the covers slipped down, and Kaidan swallowed, eyeing the toned torso and the trail of hair beneath his belly button. 

 

“What’s on the agenda for today?” Shepard asked, sitting up and swinging his legs over the side of the bed. He took another minute to stretch his back, groaning as he did so. Kaidan heard the creak and pop of joints and grinned as he got out of bed, too. 

 

“Uh… Christmas Eve… we bake cookies and take them to the orphanage in town. We’ve done it as long as I can remember.” 

 

Shepard grunted and began rummaging in his bag for a change of clothes. “Sounds good. Mind if I take a shower first?” 

 

“Help yourself. It’s just across the hall. Towels and washcloths in the cabinet.” 

 

Kaidan pulled on a fresh pair of jeans and a t-shirt for himself. He’d shower after they’d made the cookies. Besides, going downstairs alone would give him a chance to feel his parents out, see if they were buying the act. He still felt guilty. He’d fess up to the whole thing once this debacle was over, but for now, there was no reason to ruin Christmas. 

 

His mom was cheerily humming as she bustled about the kitchen. Christmas carols sounded from the speaker on the counter. “Oh, Kaidan,” she beamed. “Can you and John set the table?” 

 

“He’s in the shower,” he told her. “I’ll take care of it.” 

 

“He sure is nice,” Sofia remarked, words muffled as she bent into the stove to pull out a french toast casserole. She made it on Christmas Eve every single year, and it was still Kaidan’s and his father’s favorite. He got down the plates, the special ones with a Christmas tree in the center and silver trim around the edges. 

 

“He is,” Kaidan agreed, not sure what else he should say. 

 

“I can’t believe you never told us about him before.” She set the casserole on the counter and poured the warmed maple syrup into a fancy little pitcher. 

 

“Well-”

 

“He was probably embarrassed because they’re breaking regs by being together,” Peter Alenko said with a frown as he entered the room. 

 

Sofia waved the comment away. “They’ll have to deal with that decision on their own,” she said. “We’re not going to let it ruin Christmas. If they’ve managed to fall in love in the midst of everything else that’s going on, who are we to judge?” 

 

_ Love? _ Kaidan felt faint. Shepard arrived at that moment, slipping an arm around his waist and kissing him softly on the cheek like any devoted boyfriend would do. Kaidan had to fight not to cringe at the gesture. It wasn’t as though it had been unpleasant. On the contrary, Shepard’s lips were surprisingly soft and smelled of mint. His freshly shaved skin was smooth with a crisp hint of aftershave. Honestly, he sort of wanted to lean back into the brief contact, but if his mother thought they were in love…  _ Shit! _ He was going to be in so much trouble when this was all over. 

 

“Morning Sofia, Peter,” Shepard said. “Anything I can help with?” 

 

“Ah, yes,” Sofia said, waving a pair of potholders. “Could you carry this to the table?” 

 

“Absolutely.” Shepard did as he was asked, then fell to helping Kaidan set the table, all the while casting furtive glances toward his lieutenant. Kaidan wondered if he could tell just how uncomfortable he was. Just as he had the thought, John leaned close, lips against his ear and whispered, “Relax. You look like you’re wearing wet underwear or something.” 

 

At least Kaidan’s blush was genuine. His mother smiled at what she thought was a blatant display of affection. Drawing a deep breath, Kaidan leaned closer to Shepard and closed his eyes. Turned out he didn’t have to do a lot of pretending to enjoy the contact. John was warm, and Christ, he just smelled so damned good. 

 

“See,” Shepard murmured into his ear again. “It’s not so awful, right?” He was grinning that damned cheeky grin again when Kaidan pulled back to meet his eyes. Without thinking, Kaidan smiled and pecked him on the cheek then resumed his chore. 

 

They chatted all during breakfast, and Kaidan could almost see his parents falling in love with Shepard. The guilt hit him once again, but he pushed it away. They were committed to the ruse, now. He might as well enjoy the holiday. 

 

He and John insisted on cleaning the kitchen, and his parents claimed to need to head to the market for some of the cookie ingredients. Kaidan knew that was a lie. His mother always had all this stuff planned out to a tee. He suspected it was just to give the younger couple some alone time. His stomach shouldn’t have fluttered so much at the prospect of being alone with Shepard. 

 

“How you holding up, LT?” Shepard asked as he dried the delicate china and stacked it on the counter. There was something incongruous about seeing the first human Spectre drying china with Christmas trees and filigreed silver edges. 

 

Shepard cleared his throat and Kaidan realized he was staring at the man’s hands. “Fine,” he said, turning back to the sink. 

 

“Hey,” John set the plate on the stack and gripped Kaidan by the shoulder. “Just relax and enjoy the time with your family.” 

 

“It’s hard to do when I know that this is all a lie and I’m going to have to own up to it when this is all over,” he sighed. “My parents are really starting to like you.” 

 

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” Shepard frowned.

 

“It _ is _ a bad thing,” Kaidan snapped. “They think we’re in love, that… we wanted  _ ‘alone _ time.’”

 

“Are you always this damned moody?” Shepard tossed the towel down, leaned his hip against the counter, and crossed his arms over his chest. It was such a typical Shepard pose. The smirk he wore was smug enough that Kaidan wanted to punch it right off his dumb face. 

 

“I’m not moody,” he spat, turning away from his smirking ‘boyfriend.’

 

“This is the second time in twenty four hours that you’ve tried to dump me,” Shepard teased. “It’s too late to back out now, so… just roll with it. Let yourself have a good time. I’m not that bad of a fake boyfriend am I?” 

 

Shepard was a terrific fake boyfriend, but Kaidan couldn’t tell him that. In fact he was so good at it, Kaidan was starting to blur the lines of reality a little bit. Again, not something he could confess to the man who was essentially his boss. Why had he agreed to this? What the actual  _ hell _ had he been thinking? He never lied, never pretended that life was anything other than what it was, and the one time he let things slide to save himself any potential discomfort at family Christmas, it turned out to be worse than anything his mother could have thrown at him. 

 

Kaidan watched Shepard’s frown deepening as he stood there questioning his life choices. “You’re a great fake boyfriend,” he mumbled, stepping back toward the sink and plunging his hands into the hot, soapy water. “A little too great,” he said under his breath, and didn’t dare to look at Shepard to see if the man had heard him or not. The fact that the Commander stepped a little closer, calling his name softly was probably a dead giveaway that he had, but the door opened at that moment, his parents rushing back into the house amid peals of gleeful laughter. 

 

He couldn’t help grinning. His parents had set the bar high for his expectations about love and romance. Even after more than thirty years together, anyone could look at them and tell they were in love. He glanced at John and found the man staring at Peter and Sofia Alenko wistfully. Kaidan wondered if he was remembering his own parents back on Mindoir, or if there was something more.

 

Before he could analyze it further, Shepard was springing into action, taking the shopping bags, which turned out to be more gifts for the kids at the orphanage, from his dad and hauling them into the kitchen. Kaidan watched him for a few moments, noting that Shepard seemed to be avoiding his gaze. He needed to just get over his hang ups for the time being. If he told the truth now, his mom would be devastated, father furious, and Shepard would feel like he had to leave. Besides, there were worse things he could be stuck doing at Christmastime than pretending to be John Shepard's boyfriend. Regardless of the sense of guilt he felt, he made up his mind that he wasn't going to mention it to Shepard again. They could share an enjoyable couple days together and have a funny story to laugh about in their old age.

 

With that in mind, he sidled up to John, wrapping an arm around the man and leaning over to peer into the bags on the table. “Who's ready to make some cookies?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments and kudos so far! Glad y'all are enjoying this silliness! :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cookie baking and frosting wars, oh my! In other words: Kaidan's in deep!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So excited about the response to this silly thing. Fluff is good. Fluff is fun! Thanks for reading and commenting!! xoxoxo

Sofia produced a stack of aprons, and each of them grabbed one and donned it. Shepard's was white with a pink ruffle and trim, and Kaidan grinned as he snapped a photo. Boyfriends were supposed to do stuff like that, right? Besides, it could make for excellent blackmail potential down the road.

 

Each of them were handed a recipe card, and Kaidan grinned as Shepard studied his with a creased brow. “Haven't done much baking, John?” Kaidan asked with a smirk.

 

“Never,” he admitted, rereading the card several times then perusing the pile of ingredients on the table.

 

“Let me look,” Kaidan offered, taking the card from his pretend lover and reading it. “Sugar cookies are fairly simple,” he said. “Let's see...” Kaidan pulled from the pile on the table until all the items John needed were set before him. “Now just start measuring stuff out and follow the directions.”

 

“The hell does it mean to cream the butter and sugar together?”

 

Kaidan snickered, receiving a quick glare from John, but his mom came to Shepard's rescue, using the same sort of patience in teaching the man about baking that she'd used with Kaidan when he was a small child. It made Kaidan's heart clench in his chest in ways he didn't want to ponder.

 

“You've got some...”

 

John turned to look at him expectantly, and Kaidan reached up to swipe at a flour smudge on the man's cheek. The thrill he felt when those blue eyes met his own couldn't be rationalized away. Shepard was almost a different person here than the man Kaidan had become accustomed to. He'd never seen John smile so much or let his guard down like this. It took Kaidan's breath away, if he were honest with himself. He held John's gaze until Peter cleared this throat, and the spell was broken.

 

Kaidan couldn't remember the last time baking Christmas cookies had been this fun. Probably not since before Brain Camp. Shepard was making a mess but having a marvelous time doing so. Kaidan taught him how to roll out the dough, and together, they cut out the shapes. John was almost like a child as he waited impatiently for the cookies to come out of the oven. They ate the ugly and broken ones while Sofia taught them how to mix up the icing to decorate with.

 

The first few attempts went into their bellies since they looked so horrible, but Kaidan wasn't complaining. They tasted fabulous. Once they got the hang of it, he was impressed with Shepard's artistry. He shouldn't have been surprised by the man's steady hands, but he found himself watching Shepard more than concentrating on his own task.

 

Shepard caught him staring once, and dabbed a bit of icing on the tip of his nose, laughing as he did. Kaidan scowled and scrubbed at the confection, but John rubbed some on his cheek and then his chin until Kaidan was obliged to retaliate. It devolved into an all out war at that point until his mom came in the kitchen and scolded them for wasting the icing. Shepard looked appropriately contrite, mumbling his apologies as they set to work cleaning up the mess.

 

He still had frosting on his temple, and Kaidan couldn't help giggling every time he looked at it. “What is it?” John asked, a curious smile gracing his lips. Kaidan was filled with a sudden urge to kiss the man. Instead of doing that, he cleared his throat and gestured toward Shepard’s head. 

 

“You’ve got frosting,” he said. 

 

“Well, get it off me,” Shepard told him, his voice a low murmur that sent a pleasant shiver down Kaidan’s spine. Stepping closer, Kaidan reached for him, hand trembling against his will. He didn’t miss the way Shepard’s nostrils flared slightly nor the way that sharp, blue gaze stayed on him the entire time. 

 

Their eyes locked for a moment before Shepard’s gaze drifted down to Kaidan’s lips. He couldn’t help licking them in response, earning a sharp exhale of breath through Shepard’s nose. Kaidan focused on the frosting at John’s temple; Shepard’s eyes watching his once more. He swallowed as butterflies took flight inside his stomach, taking half a step backwards when he was done. “There,” he whispered. “I think that’s got it.” 

 

The spell seemed to shatter then. Shepard mumbled his thanks, turning his attention back to the cookies and rubbing his neck. Kaidan caught the pink tint on the Commander’s cheeks, but didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to say. Shepard’s reaction at Kaidan’s nearness left him a little confused, and he didn’t want to read too much into things. 

 

His mother bustled into the room at that moment, making sure neither of them had time to dwell on it. She produced decorative baggies for them to pack the cookies into. Kaidan stuffed bags while John packed them into boxes for transport. 

 

Once the mess was cleaned up, his parents gathered all the gifts they’d purchased onto the spacious dining room table so they could all wrap them. John laughed as Sofia shared stories from Kaidan’s childhood. More than once he had to stop her before she embarrassed him too much. Shepard was still his CO. The man didn’t need too much ammunition against him. 

 

“My father was Dutch,” Shepard informed them. “And my mother Jewish. We celebrated Sinterklaasavond in early December and Hanukkah a week or two later. Though, neither of my parents were religious. I guess they just thought they should keep the traditions alive.” 

 

“You don’t talk about your family much,” Kaidan said. John looked at him, a slight widening of his eyes like Kaidan had given away too much, but then he nodded and went back to his gift wrapping.

 

“It isn’t easy,” he admitted after a few moments of tense silence. “My father’s name was Laurence, but everyone called him Laurie. My mother was Rachel. I had a younger sister, too; Chava. We called her Eve though. Mom wanted us to both have traditional Hebrew names. Not sure why, since that’s not what we went by. My Hebrew name is Yehohanan David. Kind of a mouthful, I guess,” he said with a strained chuckle. 

 

“What sorts of holiday traditions did your family have?” Sofia asked. 

 

“The usual, I guess. For St. Nicholas’ day, children put out shoes for Sinterklaas. He fills them with toys and treats. For Hanukkah, we’d get a small present for each day of the week, but we did little else to honor the religion on which the holiday is based. It was fun, though. And mom always cooked a ton of food for both holidays.”

 

“Such as?”

 

Kaidan eyed his mother with slight suspicion, figuring his mother was hatching a scheme of some sort, but Sofia kept wrapping her gift as she listened to Shepard. 

 

“Potato latkes for Hanukkah for sure. It was part of the ritual thing that we never did. They were just delicious, and we ate them as fast as mom could take them out of the pan,” he said with a laugh. “For Sinterklaasavond she’d make this… pancake thing,” he held up his hands to form a circle. “Kinda puffy and sweet. It was called a Dutch baby. I don’t know. It was good though. Haven’t had either since they died.” 

 

Kaidan’s heart clenched in his chest. He’d never really heard Shepard talk about his family at all, never thought to ask. As much as he liked Shepard and considered him a friend, the nature of their job necessitated a certain emotional distance. Hearing the sadness, the hint of longing, in his voice now made Kaidan reach out and take his hand. It wasn’t an act, and he thought Shepard sensed that. This dangerous game they were playing was starting to get out of hand, maybe for both of them, but Kaidan couldn’t help feeling drawn to Shepard. The more time he spent in the man’s company, the more he got to know him, the more he wanted. 

 

Peter cleared his throat again, and skillfully guided the subject away from John’s tragic past and on toward more festive things like the visit to the orphanage in a couple hours and the Christmas Eve party Sofia was throwing that night. 

 

As they finished their gift wrapping, Kaidan stole periodic glances at Shepard. Nine times out of ten he caught the Commander staring right back at him. It became a sort of game, to try and catch the other looking. Shepard finished his last present and placed it on the pile, then sat back to watch Kaidan, arms crossed over his chest in their usual manner. Kaidan felt his cheeks heat up but secretly revelled in the attention. 

 

Shepard opened his mouth to speak, but before he could, Peter announced that it was time to get moving so that they could be home in time for the party. Once again, John was quick to be of use to Kaidan’s parents, and he couldn’t help admiring that in the man. Maybe he was just being polite, or it was just in his nature to help folks. Kaidan had seen it often enough on the Citadel. Shepard often got dragged into people’s personal affairs and asked to settle things best left to a messenger or errand boy. He never once complained though. 

 

“Why don’t you ever tell people no?” he heard himself wonder aloud. 

 

John looked taken aback for a minute, and Kaidan figured the man probably expected another short tirade on the stupidity of this contrived plan of theirs. “Helping people makes me feel good,” Shepard said with a slight frown and a shrug. His attention went back to helping load up the boxes with presents for the orphans. 

 

“You just have so many important things to do,” Kaidan went on. Shepard looked truly offended. 

 

“Are we going to have this  _ old _ argument again?” he asked, emphasizing the word old as though he wanted the matter dropped. Kaidan forgot for a moment that they were playing a part for his parents and looked away from the man. 

 

“Sorry, Shepard.” He mentally cursed himself as his mother asked why he’d used John’s surname. “Old habits,” Kaidan muttered. 

 

John sighed and stood with his hands on his hips for a minute. “Helping people helps me stay connected to the ones I’m fighting for,” he said quietly. “So often my job isn’t pretty. It’s full of nasty people, doing nasty things, and sometimes I want to remember that good things do exist in the world. That I can make a difference on a personal level, rather than just a galactic one. That’s why I never say no when someone asks for my help.” 

 

Leaving Kaidan standing at the table gaping, Shepard lifted the largest box of gifts and asked Peter to direct him where he wanted it to go. The four of them made quick work of loading the car, and his mother insisted on them singing Christmas carols all the way there. It was a little humiliating for Kaidan, but it was the way they did things every year. Shepard seemed to be just as enthusiastic as Sofia, and Kaidan grinned at that. 

 

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” Kaidan said softly as he and John unloaded the car at the orphanage. His parents had gone on ahead to talk to the director and find out exactly where they’d be and how everything would go.

 

“You didn’t,” Shepard said, walking away and setting a box in the entryway. Kaidan set his box down and they trudged back toward the vehicle together. 

 

“I did. What I don’t understand is  _ why _ it upset you so much.” 

 

Shepard stopped and stared across the courtyard. It was cold enough to snow, but too wet due to the typical Vancouver rains. Still, Kaidan could see Shepard’s harsh breaths streaming out of his mouth and nose like dragon’s fire. “A lot of times it feels like everything I do is under the microscope, you know?” Shepard said at last. “I can’t make a move without it coming under scrutiny. Like that damned reporter on the Citadel. Reading something into my every decision, trying to twist my words against me. Helping the ordinary people… like Jenna at Chora’s Den… sometimes stuff like that is the only thing I can do without people expecting that I have some ulterior motive. There’s no political backlash for saving a girl from her own dumb choices.” 

 

“Unlike sparing the rachni queen.” 

 

John barked a bitter laugh. “Yeah… exactly like that.” 

 

“So my questioning you about it made you feel like I was second guessing you.” 

 

“It’s stupid,” Shepard said, grabbing another box out of the car. “You probably think that your opinion of me shouldn’t matter, but… it really does, Kaidan. Your good opinion is… important to me.” 

 

He turned abruptly as though he’d said too much and stalked back up the muddy driveway to deposit the new box next to the other two. Shepard had already made it back to the car by the time Kaidan caught up. “I do have a good opinion of you, Shepard.” 

 

“I know,” he sighed. “It just… annoys me when I think people are trying to critique every single thing I do. Makes my job more difficult, complicates my life. Makes it hard to have a… a  _ personal _ life.” 

 

Kaidan felt his stomach flip. It was so easy to see Shepard as nothing but a soldier and Spectre. While he considered himself an astute kind of guy, Kaidan had never given much consideration to John Shepard the man as opposed to John Shepard the Commander. The man had no home, no family… 

 

“Don’t you have friends?” Kaidan asked him. 

 

Shepard was staring across the courtyard again, leaning against the car with his arms over his chest. A gloomy expression accompanied his next words, “Yeah, of course I do, but… I don’t see them often, and…”

 

“And?”

 

John met his eyes, cheeks pink from embarrassment or cold, Kaidan couldn’t tell which. “And nothing,” Shepard said, looking away again and grabbing the last box of gifts while Kaidan lifted the last box of cookies. They waited in a tense sort of silence for Kaidan’s parents to rejoin them. 

 

“What’s wrong with you two?” Sofia asked. 

 

Kaidan dismissed her concerns with murmured apologies and a lie about them being eager to see the children. He couldn’t shake the feeling that Shepard had wanted to say more but felt too ill at ease to continue his train of thought. That bothered Kaidan. Way more than it had any right to. Kaidan had opened up to Shepard about his past (to a degree) in regards to Brain Camp and Rahna. He’d trusted Shepard with information that he’d always held close to the vest because it was personal, private. Now Shepard was keeping things from him, and it didn’t sit well. 

 

He watched Shepard as they divvied out the cookies and small gifts - little more than tokens and trinkets for the children. Of course John looked perfectly in his element. The man possessed phenomenal acting skills. Despite Shepard’s reluctance to talk about personal matters with him, Kaidan felt privileged to see a side of John Shepard that he suspected few ever did. 

 

John doted on each child that he gave a gift to, spending a few moments talking with each one. Soon a little circle had formed up around him where he sat, cross-legged, in the floor. An adventurous little girl with blonde pigtails climbed into his lap as he told the story of Sinterklaas that kept them all transfixed, little eyes wide with wonder. “And on St. Nicholas’ Eve, we’d leave our shoes out with carrots in them for Sinterklaas’ horse, and he’d leave a piece of chocolate in the shape of the letter of our first name.”

 

“What letter did you get?” 

 

“Y,” Shepard said with a grin. “For Yehohanan.” 

 

“That’s a funny name,” the girl on his lap said with a giggle. 

 

“It is a funny name,” he agreed, grinning. “Which is why I like for my friends to call me John.” 

 

One of the boys asked Shepard about his parents, and he told them he didn’t have any. “Are you an orphan like us?” the girl in his lap asked. 

 

“I am,” he said, voice tight with emotion. “My family died a long time ago.” 

 

“Did you have to live in an orphanage?” 

 

“I did. But only for two years.” 

 

“What did you do after that?” 

 

Shepard laughed. “After that, I was all grown up and I joined the Navy.” 

 

“Do you get to fly in starships?” a boy asked, inching closer while bouncing on his knees in excitement. 

 

“I do. In fact… I’m the captain of my very own starship.” A chorus of “Oh, wow” and “Cool” followed his declaration, and Shepard laughed as all the kids began peppering him with questions.  

 

Clearly, he’d just become a hero in the eyes of these children, and Kaidan sat in awe of the man who was already a hero to so many. Shepard caught him staring after a few minutes and gave him a wink and a grin, and Kaidan felt his heart shift into a place there was no coming back from. Damn, he was so screwed.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mistletoe!! And maybe some spooning...

Kaidan’s parents had catered a dinner of finger foods for the two dozen or so people they’d invited to their Christmas Eve party. This was a pretty typical event in the Alenko home growing up. When he was a child, he hadn’t enjoyed them so much, as there had hardly been anyone for him to play with. The last few years hadn’t been much better, since his mom had always invited someone to set him up with. The nights had been spent awkwardly trying to get to know someone with whom he had no common interests. One woman had even tried to get him to sneak off upstairs for sex when no one was looking. Needless to say, Kaidan never called any of the people his mum picked out for him. 

 

Now he was having the best time he could ever recall. Shepard stayed glued to his side, slowly sipping a glass of scotch, arm wrapped firmly around his waist. John smiled at all the right times, laughed at everyone’s jokes, told enough stories of his own to keep everyone intrigued but not enough to steal the spotlight, and every so often he squeezed Kaidan a little tighter and nuzzled his cheek or ear.

 

Shepard didn’t want to be alone for the holiday’s, and Kaidan didn’t want to face another round of his mother’s woeful attempts at matchmaking, so here they were. Shepard played the part of deliriously happy and in love boyfriend with perfection, and Kaidan soaked it all in like the devoted lover he was supposed to be. He flatly refused to listen to that little voice that told him it wasn’t real. That in two days they’d go back to the Normandy and pretend like none of this had ever happened. 

 

For one night, he would let himself pretend that he really was the object of John Shepard’s desire, and he’d soak up every second of attention he received. He would worry about the rest tomorrow… or better yet, the day after when they went back to work. 

 

“Are you having fun?” Kaidan asked quietly, inhaling the scent of Shepard’s aftershave as he pressed a quick kiss to the man’s cheek. They had to keep up appearances after all.

 

“I’m having a great time,” he said with a grin. “Honestly. Makes me a little jealous of your life, actually.”

 

“What? Why?” 

 

“Your folks are great, Kaidan,” he said. “What they did for those kids today… I just admire that so much. And your mom always trying to set you up? She just wants you to be happy, K.” 

 

“I know she does, and it’s sweet, but…” 

 

“But she doesn’t know your type,” Shepard finished for him.

 

“No, she doesn’t… and I thought we agreed you weren’t going to call me ‘K.’”

 

“ _ You _ agreed to that, not me,” he said with a wink. 

 

Kaidan laughed and rolled his eyes. “Need a drink or anything?”

 

“Nah, I’m good. I don’t want to… you know…” 

 

“Get drunk?”

 

“Right. I’m still a Spectre. I have to maintain a certain professionalism.” 

 

“Trust me, Shepard, no one here expects you to play the hero tonight. Just relax and enjoy yourself.” 

 

“I am enjoying myself,” he said sincerely, catching Kaidan’s eyes. “I’m enjoying myself a lot.”

 

Kaidan was so lost in the sapphire pools of John’s eyes that he didn’t notice his cousin Mark sneaking up behind them with a sprig of mistletoe. He felt himself tense as the crowd began to egg them on. Shepard looked nervous for half a second before giving into the inevitable. Setting his drink on a nearby bookshelf, he took Kaidan’s face in his hands. Blue eyes flickered briefly over Kaidan’s face before settling on his lips. Shepard grinned; Kaidan swallowed. Then they were kissing, a soft, slow press of lips that Kaidan felt he could lose himself in for eternity if it weren’t for that annoying concept of reality chirping away in the back of his mind. 

 

To his surprise, Shepard didn’t pull away. Instead, he tilted his head to the side to deepen the kiss, tongue flicking against his lips, and Kaidan melted into it, returning the gesture with ardour. They stayed locked together until someone cleared their throat - probably his father. When they stopped, John’s hands were still on Kaidan’s cheeks, eyes still locked together. Shepard looked to be in a daze and Kaidan felt his face heating up as every eye in the room stayed fixed on them. 

 

John realized it too and took a step backward, hands falling to his sides. Kaidan saw the flush on his face as well as he turned to reach for his abandoned drink. “Damn,” his cousin Mark shouted. “Do you two need a few minutes alone?” 

 

The crowd laughed and went back to what they were doing while John and Kaidan both chuckled nervously. Shepard kept his distance a little more after the kiss, like maybe things were becoming a little too real for him, too. The thought was both thrilling and terrifying. 

 

“I, uh… I think I’ll go check out the food,” Shepard said, excusing himself. Kaidan didn’t follow, sensing that Shepard needed a moment. He didn’t know exactly how to feel about that. Should he be offended? Was it all just part of the act? Could Shepard be falling for him, too? 

 

After a few moments, he wandered over to find John steeped in conversation with one of his father’s friends. The man was grilling him about his career and what it was like being a Spectre. Shepard was answering every question diplomatically in between bites of spinach puff, smoked salmon crostini, and goat cheese tartlets. He thought John looked somewhere between relieved and wary about Kaidan’s presence. 

 

Kaidan made the appropriate greetings and excuses to his father’s friend, claiming the need to introduce John to someone else. “Thanks,” Shepard breathed as Kaidan whisked him away. They ended up in the kitchen where John was looking everywhere but at him. He set his plate on a countertop and wiped imaginary crumbs off his dress shirt. 

 

“You okay?” Kaidan asked, trying to mask the concern in his voice. 

 

Shepard cleared his throat. “Yeah. Fine. Why?” 

 

“It seemed like you had a little mini melt down after the… mistletoe.” 

 

Shepard’s cheeks flushed pink again. “Yeah. Sorry about that. It’s just… been a long time since…” He let his voice trail off and polished off the remnants of scotch in his glass. “I didn’t mean to be so forward,” he said after a time, his voice taking on that diplomatic quality that he used with superiors or someone he needed to impress. “I apologize if I made you uncomfortable.” 

 

_ Ah! _ So Shepard was suddenly trying to play the role of Commander. Kaidan saw right through him. “Shepard-” 

 

Sofia Alenko burst into the room. “There you both are. Come back out. It’s time for dancing.” 

 

“Dancing?” Shepard paled. “I, uh… I don’t dance.” 

 

“Nonsense,” Sofia said, waving off Shepard’s comment and taking hold of his upper arm.

 

“Give us just a minute, mom? I promise we’ll be right there.” 

 

Once they were alone, Shepard blew out a long breath. “Maybe I’ve had more to drink than I realized,” he lamented. Kaidan thought he looked absolutely miserable at the thought of having to dance. 

 

“We don’t have to,” he said, daring to take a tiny step closer to Shepard. John’s eyes were on his lips again, and Kaidan noted that it seemed to take great strength of will for him to tear them away. 

 

“I’ll be fine, just… you lead, okay?” 

 

“Whatever you want,  _ snookums _ ,” he said, startling a laugh out of Shepard. “Thanks for this. I mean it.” 

 

“My pleasure.” Shepard’s smile was soft and warm, and Kaidan could almost believe the words were sincere. 

 

Romantic wasn’t a word Kaidan often used to describe Christmas music, but somehow, his mother had managed to find a collection of it. There were already couples dancing to newer versions of ancient songs when they rejoined the party. Shepard swallowed as Kaidan led him to where the living room furniture had been pushed back to form a makeshift dance floor. John glanced down before nervously looking back into Kaidan’s eyes. “Sorry if I step on your feet,” he muttered. 

 

“I’m tougher than I look.” 

 

Shepard snorted, but began to move with the music. His apprehension was cute and rather endearing, and Kaidan was shallow enough to admit that he was glad to have finally found something that John wasn’t an expert at. 

 

“How is it that you can’t dance?” 

 

John shrugged. “I don’t know. Never much cared for it. I guess I’ve got no rhythm.” 

 

“Somehow I doubt that,” Kaidan said, relishing the blush he received in return. 

 

“I think I could get used to dancing with you, though,” he said then seemed to regret the words almost immediately. 

 

“Really?” Kaidan pressed, pulling the man just a little closer. He was a tiny bit taller than Shepard. Just enough to have to cast his eyes downward to see right into Shepard’s. The song played in the background - a modern rendition of ‘What Are You Doing New Years Eve?’ - and Kaidan felt as though he was peering into Shepard’s very soul. 

 

Shepard watched him through his lashes, gaze flicking back and forth between Kaidan’s eyes and lips. Kaidan couldn’t help the smug grin that tugged at the corners of his mouth. It felt good to be holding John in his arms. He was warm and solid beneath Kaidan’s fingers, and he could feel the outline of muscle through the thin fabric of John’s shirt. 

 

Like this, the pretense they’d been acting under started to slip. Shepard’s breathing turned heavy, short little gusts of whiskey soaked breath that brushed against Kaidan’s chin. His fingers dug into Kaidan’s side as his grip tightened, and both of them leaned forward of one accord. 

 

“Kaidan,” Shepard whispered, and it sounded so damn good, hearing his name like that. Quiet and reverent - almost like a prayer.

 

The illusion ended swiftly and rather brutally when his cousin Mark drunkenly crashed into Kaidan’s back, nearly taking them all off their feet. Shepard’s arms went around him, keeping him upright. He smiled tightly as Mark apologized, and the two of them resumed their dance. The mood was ruined however. Shepard was back to pretending, and Kaidan was more than a little disappointed that they didn’t find themselves under the mistletoe again all night. 

 

**

 

Kaidan woke with his arm draped around Shepard’s waist, body pressed up tight against John’s back. He smiled at feeling someone so close to him, and it took him a moment to realize that he was currently _spooning_ his commanding officer. His whole body tensed with alarm, then he heard Shepard’s low chuckle.

 

“Morning, Lieutenant. Merry Christmas.” 

 

“Uh… morning,” Kaidan said, pulling his arm back and returning to his side of the bed. “Merry Christmas to you, too. And, uh… sorry about… you know.”

 

Shepard rolled over to face him, amusement shining clearly in bright blue eyes. He tucked his hands under his cheek and grinned at Kaidan. “No need to apologize. It’s been years since I’ve woken up in anyone’s arms.” He laughed as Kaidan’s face blazed bright red. “It’s snowing outside. Did you notice?”  

 

Kaidan appreciated the subject change deflecting the embarrassing situation. All he could do was thank the powers that be that he hadn’t also awoken with a morning erection. Talk about awkward. He shifted his gaze away from Shepard’s soft smile to the view through the window. Snow fell in fat flakes coating the treetops in a blanket of white. Just the thought of being out in it made Kaidan shiver, and he burrowed further under the covers, thankful to be inside where it was warm and cozy. 

 

The way Shepard was watching him - with awe and wonder and a tenderness that made his heart race - should have been uncomfortable for Kaidan. Instead, he returned the gaze, pondering these new feelings that hadn’t been there a couple of days ago. Or maybe he’d just never paid them any attention before. They lay there just watching each other. The blue of Shepard’s eyes made the sky look dull by comparison, and just like the morning before, Kaidan had to curl his fingers into fists, gripping the covers tight, to keep them to himself. 

 

“Tell me your favorite Christmas memory,” Shepard murmured. He yawned and blinked sleepily as he smiled. Kaidan wanted to kiss that drowsy grin but refrained. He didn’t know how Shepard would feel about it, and he’d never been prone to bold moves. Whether Shepard had feelings for him or not, it would still be inappropriate. Easier to believe that his little infatuation was one-sided, that Shepard’s overt acts of affection were all just a show for his parents. The heartache would be less severe when it all came to a sudden halt tomorrow. Pushing reality aside, he watched the lazy movement of Shepard’s eyelids, thinking the Commander might drift back off to sleep while he talked. 

 

As a child, his parents had always attempted to keep Christmastime magical for him. His dad purchased sleigh bells to ring after Kaidan was safely tucked in bed. He and his mother made special ginger cookies, Santa’s favorite - Kaidan didn’t make the connection that they were also his father’s favorite until he was much older - and set them out on a special plate with a glass of eggnog instead of milk. (His mother always spiked the eggnog with a little rum behind Kaidan’s back. Something else he hadn’t realized until he was older.)

 

The year his friends at school had called him a baby for still believing in Santa, he’d confronted his dad about it. Instead of making excuses and lying to his son, Peter had taken Kaidan out for a ‘man to man.’ They’d read about the real Saint Nicholas and his anonymous acts of charity, and Peter had explained that by baking cookies and taking gifts to the orphans in the city, their family was doing its small part to keep those traditions alive, that there was no shame in believing in the spirit of Santa Claus even if you didn’t believe he actually existed. 

 

After their heart to heart, they’d gone to a local soup kitchen, served food, and shared conversation with some of the city’s homeless, and Peter reminded Kaidan that you didn’t need religion or faith to do the right things, to treat people with respect and try to do some good in the world. Maybe it was silly, but that conversation - that day - had stuck with Kaidan all these years. Even after Brain Camp and all that entailed, after years of military service and often seeing the worst sapient life had to offer, he clung to the words of his father that day, tried his damndest to put them into practice in his life. To this day, he still remembered the faces of those people, and how something as simple as a bowl of soup and a child’s fanciful stories had brought such smiles to their faces, proving to a young boy that no act of kindness was in vain. 

 

Shepard’s smile grew tenfold as he listened to the story, his eyes a warm, blue pool of affection. “Why am I not surprised that your favorite Christmas memory is of helping people, Kaidan? I’ve never known anyone like you before.” 

 

Kaidan blushed. “I, uh… I hope that’s a good thing.” 

 

“A very good thing.” 

 

“So, what’s your favorite Christmas memory?” 

 

“I’m almost ashamed to tell you now,” Shepard teased. He rolled onto his back, tucking his hands behind his head. “I wish I could tell you something equally inspiring, but I’m afraid my favorite Christmas memory is of a trip my family took to the beach one year. I was terrified that Sinterklaas wasn’t going to know where to bring our gifts, but when we woke up that morning, we had just as many gifts as usual.” He smiled as he lost himself to the memory. “Completely ridiculous, I know, but… looking back on it… You know my dad was like a little kid himself, most of the time. He was always just as excited to watch us open our presents as we were to get them. ...Sure do miss him.” 

 

“I’m sorry, John.” 

 

Shepard offered him a wan smile. “Thanks.” 

 

A knock at the door prevented them from saying any more about it, and Sofia called to them. “Alright, boys! Time to get up and see what Santa brought you.” 

 

Kaidan rolled his eyes, cheeks turning pink, but he was smiling and so was Shepard. Regardless of whatever was bound to happen come morning, Kaidan was glad they were doing this. The awkwardness and the fear of his parents anger once the truth was known drifted away when he took Shepard’s hand in his own and led him to the living room. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all are sweet and wonderful! So happy that y'all are enjoying this!! <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard panics. Kaidan comes to a harsh realization.

Christmas morning was beautiful. The four of them sat around the tree opening presents. Kaidan had told his parents that Shepard didn’t expect gifts, but his mother went all out, regardless - a black and red scarf that she’d knitted herself, a sweater to match the one she’d gotten Kaidan. John grinned as he pulled the sweater over the t-shirt he’d slept in and wrapped the scarf around his neck. There were a few smaller presents as well, some that were practical, some just for fun.

 

Kaidan felt that old surge of guilt again, knowing that it was all a ruse, but it was quickly whisked away in the wake of Shepard presenting his mother with two tickets to the symphony and his father with an aged bottle of scotch. He and Shepard had purchased the same pistol mod for each other, laughing at how their mind’s worked in tandem, and Kaidan finally stole that kiss he’d been aching for all morning. 

 

His mother had made a large breakfast and managed to include some of the foods Shepard had mentioned loving as a child. There was even a chocolate initial on each of their plates. Kaidan wondered how his mother always managed to do things like that. Everyone who set foot into her home was made to feel special and treasured; John Shepard was no exception. The first human Spectre teared up as he hugged Sofia Alenko’s tiny frame and whispered his thanks with a trembling lip. Kaidan found himself brushing away a few stray tears as well. 

 

They all worked together to clean up the breakfast dishes and prepare Christmas dinner. Shepard hovered around Sofia, and she happily taught him as much as she could about cooking since he seemed so intent on learning. 

 

“My roommate on Arcturus taught me some things,” he admitted when questioned about his culinary skills, “but only enough to keep me from starving.” 

 

Kaidan laughed and fed him a bite of roasted carrot. John’s eyes were soft and a little bit sad as he slowly chewed and licked his lips. Kaidan held his gaze, brows furrowing with a question which Shepard pretended not to notice. John turned his attention back to watching Kaidan’s mum finish off the gravy, then offered to pour it into the serving dish for her. 

 

All through the meal, Shepard became more and more quiet, more withdrawn as he ate his food and listened to the conversation around him rather than contributing. Kaidan was starting to worry that he wasn’t feeling well. The entire trip, he’d been lively and engaged with everyone, and had seemed to be thoroughly enjoying himself. Now he looked as though he had a chunk of ham stuck in the back of his throat that he simply couldn’t shift. 

 

“You okay, John?” Kaidan asked laying a hand on top of the Commander’s. 

 

Shepard didn’t grip it as Kaidan had already become accustomed to. Instead, he stared at Kaidan’s hand on top of his own as if it were something vile. “I’m…. truth be told, I’m not feeling all that well,” he said. “Excuse me.” 

 

Kaidan watched him go, concern etched into his forehead. He heard his dad clear his throat and looked over at him. “Don’t you think you should go check on him, son?” 

 

“Oh… Yeah… I probably should.” 

 

He paused outside his closed bedroom door. The lock wasn’t engaged, but he couldn’t help feeling that Shepard wanted some privacy anyway. Taking a deep breath, he knocked once to announce his presence, then palmed the interface and stepped inside. Shepard stood at the window, feet spread wide and arms crossed over his chest. His shoulders were straight, but Kaidan couldn’t help thinking the man’s entire demeanor screamed defeat. 

 

Snow still drifted silently to the ground, piling up at the base of trees and lampposts. He would have thought it a beautiful sight if it hadn’t been for the fact that Shepard seemed to have completely shut down. “Alenko,” he said stiffly before Kaidan could say anything. 

 

Kaidan felt almost as though Shepard was reprimanding him and fell into parade rest at his side out of habit. “Everything okay, Commander?”

 

“Fine,” Shepard said tersely, then seemed to immediately regret his harsh tone. “I’m sorry, Kaidan. I didn’t mean to snap at you.” 

 

“Shepard, what’s going on?” 

 

John finally looked at him, a profound sorrow shining in his eyes. “This was a mistake,” he whispered, voice raw and rasping. 

 

“What was?” 

 

“Coming here… pretending to be your boyfriend, I just… I just feel very ashamed of myself. I shouldn’t have put you in that position. Shouldn’t have taken advantage of your family that way. It was a severe lapse in judgment, and I-” 

 

“Kaidan?”

 

His heart sank at the sound of his father’s voice, and both he and Shepard turned to face Peter Alenko’s scowl. 

 

“Your mother sent me to check on you both. Do either of you want to explain just what in the hell is going on?” 

 

“I’m completely at fault, sir,” Shepard said instantly. “The idea was mine-”

 

“I was the one who lied to mum about having a boyfriend,” Kaidan interjected. “Shepard offered to help me out so as not to spoil Christmas.” 

 

“I see,” Peter said, gaze shifting between the two of them. He heaved a sigh as he rubbed his temples briefly. “Well, I won’t waste my breath telling you both what an idiotic idea it was. And I won’t lie and pretend I’m not disappointed in you both, but what’s done is done. I don’t see any reason for your mother to know about this… not today at least.” 

 

“Yes, sir,” the younger men said in unison. 

 

Shepard continued. “I apologize, Mister Alenko. I feel like I’ve taken advantage of your hospitality. I’ll make sure you’re reimbursed for any expenses on my account.” 

 

“Nonsense,” Peter waved him away then ran a hand through his graying hair. “Any friend of Kaidan’s is welcome here… any time.” 

 

“Thank you, sir, but I’d like to pay it back just the same.” 

 

“Suit yourself. Now, come on down. Mom’s got the Christmas pudding ready.”

 

Peter left them alone, and Kaidan couldn’t stand the tension in the room. It buzzed around him, leaving his skin clammy with its residue. “Shepard-”

 

“I think it best if I leave,” he cut Kaidan off. “I need to get back to the ship before the rest of the crew anyway. We can use that as my excuse.” 

 

Kaidan watched him stuff his belongings into his duffel bag haphazardly, pausing at the little pile of gifts from Kaidan’s parents. His fingers brushed gingerly over the soft texture of the scarf before he curled them into a ball and turned away. “Keep them,” Kaidan said, voice breaking on the last syllable. “Mom wanted you to have them.” 

 

Shepard sniffed and nodded before snatching the items off the bed and stuffing them into the bag. “I’m… I’m sorry, Kaidan,” he said then marched out the door. 

 

With a sigh of frustration, Kaidan followed. Sofia was already nearly beside herself as Shepard explained the call he’d gotten from the docks saying that the ship was ready to be prepared for launch the next day. Shepard hugged her and shook Peter’s hand while thanking them for including him. 

 

“I’ll walk you out,” Kaidan said, hoping his parents would give them a moment alone. “Shepard-” he tried as soon as the door closed behind him. 

 

“I apologize again, Lieutenant,” Shepard interrupted. “My behavior over the last two days has been extremely unprofessional, and if I’ve put you in any situation that made you feel uncomfortable, then I’m sorry. If you would like to file a grievance against me, then I’ll stand behind your account.” 

 

“I have no complaints, Commander,” he said finally, realizing that there was no argument he could make to induce the man to stay. He wasn’t sure exactly where things had gone south between breakfast and dinner, but it was clear that Shepard just wanted to be gone. He was practically vibrating with pent up energy. Instead of trying to coax him into reconsidering, Kaidan extended his hand. “Thanks for everything, Shepard.” 

 

The Commander eyed the hand warily for a moment before shaking it. “Not a problem,” he said with a nod, then turned on his heel and strode away. 

 

Once Shepard was out of sight, Kaidan leaned his head against the wall beside the door. His mind was reeling with how suddenly everything had just happened. He’d thought that the two of them were in agreement about carrying on the farce until tomorrow morning, and it would be a lie to say he wasn’t looking forward to spending the rest of the day with him. 

 

He tried not to read too much into his motivations for wanting Shepard to stay. He’d always respected and liked his Commander, but after spending just a few days in his company there had been a definite shift in his feelings toward the man. There was no time to study on it though as the door opened and Peter stuck his head out. “Come on back inside, son,” he said. “Mum’s got dessert.” 

 

**

 

The snow had stopped hours ago, and since it was a holiday, there hadn’t been much traffic to muddy it up yet. Kaidan couldn’t help thinking the view would have been prettier from the orchard, but he couldn’t deny there was something almost magical about seeing the city like this. 

 

He was curled up in a chair by the window wearing the sweater his mom had given him. One which had a match in Shepard’s duffel bag. Sighing, he readjusted the blanket over his lap and focused on the scene outside the window, trying not to wish John were still there to share it with him. 

 

Peter Alenko grunted, and Kaidan looked to see a beer dangling from his fingertips. He took it gratefully and swallowed a generous portion. “Too cold for the balcony,” his dad said, taking the seat opposite Kaidan’s. 

 

“Much,” he agreed.

 

“Thought we could talk anyway. Mum’s already turned in for the night. Cooking such a feast always wears her out.” 

 

Kaidan glanced at him, taking note of the slight frown on his lips, the crease between his brows. “I’ll take her for breakfast in the morning to make it up to her,” he mumbled. “But, I’d… rather not talk right now if you don’t mind.” 

 

“Tough shit,” Peter said with chuckle. “I do mind… so spill it.” 

 

“Spill what?”

 

“How in the hell all this happened.” 

 

Kaidan downed the rest of his beer and stood. “Want another?” 

 

“Not yet.” 

 

He headed for the kitchen, stalling for time. He didn’t want to have this conversation with his father. Not now. Not ever. But he supposed he owed it to the man regardless. Resuming his seat, he stared at the floor between his feet, drink clasped lightly in his hands. “It was dumb, okay… and I’m sorry. I should have just said no when he first suggested it.” 

 

“Why did you lie to your mum in the first place?” 

 

“Because she’s always trying to set me up with someone, and that someone is usually not the kind of person I’d ever be interested in. I just wanted one Christmas where I could relax and not have it be an issue.” 

 

Chancing a look at his dad, he saw that the frown had deepened. “Why didn’t you just tell her that?” 

 

Kaidan rolled his eyes. “You know how she is, dad. Come on.” 

 

“She can be a little pushy, I’ll give you that.” They sat in silence for a few moments, sipping their beers and lost in thought. After a time Peter cleared his throat and asked, “Is John the kind of person you’d be interested in?” 

 

Kaidan took his time answering. “Two days ago, I would have said no, but now…” 

 

“He’s your CO,” Peter reminded gently.

 

“I’m aware.” 

 

He didn’t want to think about that right now. The last two days felt like some sort of dream. While it was true that he hadn’t thought himself interested in Shepard before, he certainly was now. Ever since Shepard had practically bolted from the apartment that afternoon, it was all Kaidan could think about. Looking back, he saw the signs that he’d tried to ignore all along - lingering looks and fluttering nerves whenever the Commander was near. 

 

Analyzing Shepard’s behavior had cleared up some of the confusion in his mind, too. In some ways at least. It had added to it in others. Shepard was prone to staring at him when he thought no one was looking. Kaidan had caught it on more than one occasion. Shy glances and pink cheeks that he’d overlooked before now. Touches that lasted longer than necessary, and he knew he was always the first one John came to talk to after every mission. In fact, Shepard seemed to naturally gravitate to wherever Kaidan was on the ship, and the reverse was equally true. A thought began to crystallize in his mind, and along with it came a swift, stinging pain. He looked back at his dad who was smiling sadly at him. 

 

“You two were rather convincing, son,” Peter said as he stood. He patted Kaidan on the shoulder. “I don’t think it was an act though, was it? ...Not for either of you.” 

 

Kaidan sat alone in the dark long after his father went to bed. Only the twinkling lights of the tree were there to keep him company. He stared at them, not seeing anything as the events of the last two days played through his mind over and over. Selfishly, his only regret about the whole thing was that they couldn’t have lived in the illusion for just one more day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't kill me! You know there had to be some angst. :) Just trust me! Have I ever let you down before? ;) 
> 
> Thanks for all the comments and kudos! Y'all have made me super happy this week! xoxo


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What are you doing New Years Eve?

The Commander had been avoiding him for nearly a week. 

 

Kaidan had taken his mom out for breakfast the day after Christmas and explained the whole thing to her. She’d told him she wasn’t surprised to hear the truth after the way Shepard had scampered off like a scared animal before even finishing his Christmas dinner. He was relieved his parents had taken it so well and wondered why he’d felt the need to be dishonest in the first place. After receiving a scolding for not being forthcoming about his discomfort, he realized he’d been a complete idiot in more ways than one. Despite his parents’ forgiveness, though, he still felt like shit about the whole thing. 

 

Both his parents had told him to talk to Shepard, had persuaded him that John returned his feelings. Now he just needed to decide what to do with that information. It had all sounded so easy tucked safely into a diner booth with his parents’ encouraging smiles and enthusiasm for seeing him happy and in love. Too bad real life never seemed to quite fall into place like it did in dreamland. 

 

Now, outside of missions, barely two words had been spoken between him and Shepard. Showers had become a game of trying to get in and out before the Commander came in and made some excuse about forgetting his soap or towel or other such nonsense to ensure they were never occupying the same space for very long. It was getting old.

 

Tensions were high on the ship after unlocking the final few pieces of the Saren puzzle over the last few days. Between Williams’ death, the Alliance lockdown, and the subsequent theft of their most advanced ship, Kaidan wouldn’t mind a few drinks to settle his nerves. 

 

Sighing, he rubbed his forehead with the back of his hand. He really had no idea what to do. He’d nearly made up his mind to request transfer off the Normandy once the mission was through. He’d hoped to talk to the man, clear the air, but the Commander had shut him down and taken to avoiding him. It was hard enough sorting this emotional entanglement to Shepard without all the rest. 

 

He supposed that’s why fraternization was discouraged in the first place. Romantic relationships complicated everything. When the CO’s heart was involved in the chaos it made things ten times worse. Or maybe that was just because  _ Kaidan’s _ heart was involved. 

 

He kicked at the stubborn terminal outside Shepard’s cabin. Damn thing hadn’t worked right since they’d boarded the ship. He’d considered time and again telling Shepard to requisition a new one, but always decided he didn’t want the shame of being defeated by an inanimate computer terminal on his conscience. It was a hopeless cause for tonight at least. 

 

Leaving the infernal terminal alone, he headed for the shower determined to clean himself up, put his woes out of his mind, and get some rest before the upcoming battle tomorrow. He was relieved that Shepard had already added him to the ground team for Ilos. He needed to be at his peak for that. 

 

After his shower, he headed to the cargo bay to give his gear a last perfunctory inspection. Everything was in tip top shape, he knew, but it never hurt to be cautious. Even if it was essentially overkill. Finishing his task, Ash’s locker caught his eye, and he laid a hand on it out of reverence and respect for his friend. He still wasn’t quite sure why Shepard had chosen him and decided now wasn’t the time to dwell on it. 

 

Shepard’s door was still closed when he arrived back in the mess. He didn’t know why he always exited the elevator to the right, forcing him past the Commander’s room every time. Well, he did know, but again, it was unwise to ponder it. Since meeting with Anderson at Flux, John had been holed up in there, sending out orders via ship wide comms and omnitools. Kaidan knew he’d been busy, but it would have done wonders for the crew’s morale for their leader to show his face. At least for a bit. 

 

In spite of everything, there was a growing unease in Kaidan’s gut. Shepard was struggling. Though he’d kept himself closed off from Kaidan, there had been just enough interaction for him to notice. Shepard was a damned good actor, as he’d proven over Christmas, but he wasn’t that good. 

 

Kaidan checked the time on his omnitool - 31DEC2183 2300 ZULU. It was almost the New Year. He couldn’t help remembering his dance with Shepard on Christmas Eve, the song that played, the slow realization that Shepard meant something more to him than just friend and Commander. The shocking notion that the feelings might be mutual. 

 

Glancing at Shepard’s door again, he inhaled deeply, steadying himself with the action. There was no answer to his knock on Shepard’s door, so he took a chance and palmed the interface. His heart was in his throat as it slid open and the Commander came into view. 

 

Shepard sat at his desk along the wall, forehead in one hand, the other curled around a mostly empty glass of whiskey. Music was playing from his omnitool, and Kaidan froze when he realized what it was. 

 

_ Maybe it’s much too early in the game. _

_ But I thought I’d ask you just the same. _

_ What are you doing New Years… _

 

He cleared his throat, and Shepard slammed his hand down on the machine before whirling to face him. The sudden silence was deafening as the two of them stared at each other. John’s cheeks were red, eyes glassy, and Kaidan was a little surprised that he’d allow himself to get drunk just before a high-risk mission. 

 

“Just thought I’d check in on you, sir,” he said in response to Shepard’s unasked question. 

 

“Oh, I’m just peachy, Lieutenant.” His words weren’t slurred, and Kaidan was relieved about that at least. 

 

“Obviously.” 

 

Shepard snorted at that. “Drink?” 

 

“Better not. The mission and all.” 

 

“Yeah, that’s why I’ve just been sitting here holding onto this one,” he said with a shaky laugh. “It was really tempting to drink it, though.” He abandoned the glass and stood, not quite able to maintain the professional veneer he’d kept firmly plastered in place every time Kaidan was within three feet of him lately. “Was there something you needed?” he asked after the awkward silence had droned on long enough.

 

Kaidan shuffled a few steps closer, conscious of Shepard’s wary glance. “What’s going on, John? Talk to me.” 

 

Shepard was quiet so long, Kaidan gave up on getting anything out of him. 

 

“Try to get some rest then, Commander,” he sighed dejectedly. He’d just reached the door, hand poised to activate the lock when he heard Shepard’s small, quiet voice.

 

“I fucked everything up.” 

 

“What exactly did you fuck up?” he asked as he turned to face the man once more. 

 

“Virmire, the mission… the whole goddamned crew are mutineers now…”

 

“Command-”

 

“You shouldn’t be calling me that Kaidan. It’s not a title I deserve anymore. Hell, I probably shouldn’t even be wearing this uniform,” he said, thumping his chest with a fist. 

 

“Yeah… hell of a thing,” he admitted shaking his head. Shepard’s eyes met his again, and Kaidan hated how lost he looked.

 

Shepard went to his desk and retrieved the glass of whiskey, hissing through his teeth after he’d drank it, then pouring some more. “I keep telling myself we’re doing the right thing,” he nearly whispered. “I don’t believe me yet.” He passed the refilled glass to Kaidan who took it gratefully, draining it quickly. 

 

He dared to step closer to Shepard, pleased that John stood his ground instead of slinking away from him as he’d feared. “If I didn’t think you were doing the right thing… I wouldn’t be here.” 

 

The Commander smiled sadly. “I know that, Kaidan. That’s about the only thing that has given me any hope these last few hours.” 

 

“Please talk to me, John. Tell me what’s going on.” 

 

“I’ve been a real asshole to you Kaidan,” he sighed. His eyes darted around the room before coming to rest on Kaidan’s. “I’m sorry about that, I just… I don’t know how to…”

 

Kaidan inched his way forward until he was nose to nose with Shepard, grinning when the Commander’s breath hitched in his throat. “Go on…” 

 

“It wasn’t a lie for me, Kaidan,” he said breathlessly. “None of it was a lie… none of it was pretend, and I… I’ve just been sitting here… thinking about Christmas Eve… the dance… the kiss… I can’t even focus on the mission.”

 

“It wasn’t pretend for me either.” 

 

Crystal eyes widened briefly, and Shepard swallowed. Kaidan tracked the movement of his Adam’s apple before his eyes snapped back to John’s. Puffs of warm air hit his lips as Shepard stood, nearly panting, eyes going darker by the second. “I’m so pissed at myself,” Shepard admitted quietly. “Before, I could pretend that it was a passing infatuation, that I’d get over it in time, but I haven’t. It’s gotten worse, and having that little taste of what it could be like… But… there are rules… laws, and hell at this point I don’t really give a damn about any of that, but I couldn’t ask you to break them.”  

 

Kaidan’s lips curved into a slow smile. “Breach of protocol will probably be pretty far down the list of complaints at our courts martial,” he said. “Maybe it’s time we stopped running from each other.” 

 

He watched as Shepard wrestled with himself, clearly torn between taking what he wanted and doing what he thought was right. Kaidan was done avoiding, done ignoring this thing that had been growing between them for weeks if not months even if he was too blind or stubborn to see it before. Kaidan respected John, cared about him in ways he’d never done before. If the look of longing on the man’s face was anything to go by, Shepard felt the exact same way. 

 

“If things go sideways on Ilos… I want you to know…” 

 

“Kaidan…”

 

“I don’t know what happened Shepard,” he admitted. “I can’t explain it any more than you can, but… when I think that this may be over before it’s even had a chance to begin… when I think about losing you, I… I can’t stand it. The… the galaxy will just keep going. Everything - even the Reapers - will come around again, but you and I… we… are important right now. This,” he laid his palm against Shepard’s chest, “this is what will never happen again.” 

 

Their lips met, and a whimper of relief sounded from somewhere, neither of them really sure who made it. Neither of them caring. Shepard melted into Kaidan’s embrace, bodies pressed too close for breath, and the older man held him tight, gladly offering the support he needed. The reality of having Shepard in his arms without any pretenses was more perfect that he could ever have dreamed. 

 

John pulled away, heated blue gaze meeting Kaidan’s. “I couldn’t stay,” he whispered in apology. “It was too much.” 

 

“Never known you to run away from a threat,” Kaidan teased, unwilling to let go. 

 

He was rewarded with a breathy laugh. “Call it a tactical retreat then.” 

 

Kaidan rolled his eyes but kept his smile, cupping the back of the Commander’s neck to join their lips again. He didn’t need to hear Shepard’s explanations. His own feelings had been overwhelming him for days; he certainly wasn’t going to begrudge John his doubts. 

 

Any uncertainty or misgiving Shepard might have felt before seemed to vanish as his lips parted to welcome Kaidan’s tongue. Kaidan didn’t waste the opportunity to taste every part of the man’s mouth. He felt his body being turned and let Shepard guide him until the backs of his knees hit the mattress. 

 

John stopped then, reigning himself in with impressive strength of will, though Kaidan could see how much the effort of restraining himself was costing him. A slight tremor ran through Shepard’s body, jaw clenched tight, blue eyes wild with desperation. “Are you absolutely sure about this, Kaidan?” 

 

Kaidan smiled, fully expecting his by-the-books Commander to offer him a way out. He knew enough of Shepard’s giving nature to know John wouldn’t even hold it against him if he left now, but he’d meant what he said. He’d never been one for bucking the system, but Shepard was worth taking that chance. What he felt for John was one of those once in a lifetime kind of things, and he wasn’t going to let it slip by him. 

 

In lieu of answering, he reversed their positions and gave Shepard’s chest a gentle shove. The Commander landed on the bed with a wicked grin and a gleam in his eyes. He crooked a finger, an order Kaidan didn’t  _ want _ to ignore, and the Lieutenant found himself crawling up his CO’s body, his eyes focused on inviting blue. 

 

Shepard seemed content with kissing - warm, soft lips responding eagerly to Kaidan’s. His battle-worn fingers rasped against the starched fabric of Alliance issue fatigues as they coasted over Kaidan’s shoulders and pecs and biceps. Kaidan dared to take things a step further, nipping his way up John’s jaw and pulling a tender earlobe into his mouth, grinning when John moaned his name. 

 

Planting his hands on the mattress either side of Shepard’s head, Kaidan rose to meet his eyes again. The blue iris disappeared completely when he rolled his hips experimentally, finding that John was hard and ready for him. A spike of arousal twisted in his gut, and a mad scramble to de-clothe each other ensued. 

 

John’s skin was impossibly hot underneath his fingertips as he mapped every inch of the Commander’s body he could reach. Shepard responded in kind, calloused fingers scraping pleasantly over his skin. Part of Kaidan thought this must be a dream, but when those same rough fingers curled around his erection, he knew this was better than any dream his feeble brain could conjure. 

 

“Dammit,” Shepard muttered, peering up at Kaidan with a frustrated frown. “I don’t have any lube.” 

 

“We’ll make do.” Kaidan smiled at him, laughing when Shepard swallowed. He pressed his lips to John’s Adam’s apple, then blazed a hot trail down his chest and stomach. Shepard’s head fell back, fingers twisting into the sheets beneath him. The Commander huffed a laugh and kicked at his Lieutenant when Kaidan hit a ticklish spot on his belly. 

 

“None of that, now,” he insisted.

 

“Yes, sir,” Kaidan responded with a silly grin. Shepard rolled his eyes. 

 

“If you tell anyone you’ve found my weakness, I’ll write you up for latrine detail.” 

 

“I’ve never been one to kiss and tell, Commander,” he said, amused. “And I hope that’s not the only weakness of yours I discover tonight.” 

 

Shepard muttered a curse as Kaidan bit lightly on the inside of his thigh then proceeded to lay a line of kisses along the crease where thigh met hip. He finished by sucking a hickey where only he could see it, ghosting his fingertips up and down the length of Shepard’s dick all the while. 

 

He found himself being hauled up the bed and rolled onto his back. “Never would have taken you for such a goddamn  _ tease _ , Alenko,” Shepard complained before nipping at Kaidan’s lower lip, but it was accompanied by a smile, fervent and adoring. He couldn’t recall anyone ever looking at him quite like that before, and his breath caught in his throat as he considered it. 

 

Movements became explosive, fueled by pure, unadulterated want, and he flipped them over once more, determined to show Shepard just how much he’d needed this. John’s noises of delight were muffled by Kaidan’s mouth, swallowed up and savored. Every sigh, every curse, every ‘Oh shit, yes, Kaidan’ was bottled up and stored away for his memory to bring out and enjoy later. They took each other in hand, lips still drinking their fill of scratchy stubble, of soft skin and softer lips. 

 

It became a game of give and take, of tug and pull with just the perfect amount of twisting on the upstroke, and Kaidan came, spilling himself into Shepard’s hand and onto his stomach with John following closely behind. They held each other tight, bodies trembling, lungs gasping. Shepard nuzzled against Kaidan’s jaw, a few gentle kisses here and there. 

 

Kaidan lifted his head to look at Shepard and decided he’d never seen anything more perfect. Bright blue eyes, set against flushed cheeks, gazed up at him as a shy smile graced his lips. Kaidan kissed it away just as the alarm on his omnitool alerted them to the beginning of the new year. 

 

Shepard’s smile widened, and he tangled his fingers in Kaidan’s hair pulling him down for an elaborate kiss. “Happy New Year, K,” he murmured. 

 

“Happy New Year to you,  _ snookums _ .” 

 

A carefree laugh broke loose, and Kaidan grinned as he nipped at John’s neck and jaw and ear. Neither of them wanted to let go, and that was perfectly alright with Kaidan. However convoluted the journey to this place had been, he decided it was all worth it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's all she wrote, folks! :) 
> 
> Thanks again to Humblydefiant for helping me polish this bad boy up! You rock!! <3
> 
> And thanks to everyone who's read and commented and gushed! Y'all made my week! I hope you found the conclusion satisfactory! :)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Find me on Tumblr: [ellebeedarling](https://ellebeedarling.tumblr.com)
> 
> Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!!  
> Elle


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